Vanilla Coffee
by ShelLaura
Summary: Hotch/Reid slash.  Takes place in Season 2, includes SPOILERS for No Way Out, The Big Game & Revelations, but in this story Haley already left Hotch
1. Chapter 1

Vanilla Coffee - Chapter 1

„Chug-a-lug", shouted Derek Morgan and JJ, Emily Prentiss and Penelope Garcia did as they were told. Then the three female agents pulled him out of his seat and dragged him to the dance floor. Hotch smiled lightly at his co-workers, trying not to look too bored.

The team of the BAU were at a casino with a bar and a dancing area attached, having a belated celebration for Morgan's birthday. It had been two weeks ago but on the actual day he had gone to Chicago to visit his family. This had led to a nerve wracking case and this weekend was the first one the team had off since then.

Hotch sat at a table in the bar area drinking beer, looking around, feeling out of place. He didn't want to be here but Morgan was his friend and it was not like Hotch had anything better to do. Sitting alone in an empty house was his alternative and not much of an improvement to sitting alone at a crowded casino bar. At least here there was something worth looking at.

He watched Spencer Reid winning another game of poker and smiled. One could truly see that this boy was from Vegas. Once again Hotch noticed how utterly beautiful and sweet the youngest of the agents was. As Reid stuffed the chips he had won into the pockets of his cord pants, Hotch started to fantasize about taking those off. He shook his head as if this could make these inappropriate thoughts go away. Suddenly two girls who had watched the poker game, approached Reid and started hitting on him, playing with his hair and laughing. When one of them whispered something into Spencers ear and he chuckled, Hotch felt a sting.

He quickly emptied his drink and went over to Morgan who was doing some kind of dirty dancing with Garcia, to say goodbye. Hotch had not told anybody that Haley was gone and that she had taken Jack with her, so Morgan thought he was heading home to his family. Otherwise he would have probably not accepted the fact that his boss was leaving way too early. As Hotch walked up to the coat check, he heard Reid call his name and turned around. „You're heading out?", asked the younger agent as he approached him. Hotch nodded and Reid smiled „I should get going too. The passengers on the subway get creepier by the hour".

Hotch looked puzzled „You came here by subway?"

Reid nodded and said almost apologetically: „I didn't know if I'd be drinking"

Hotch's confusion rose, he could not recall having seen Reid drink alcohol before and even if he had, certainly not to such an extend which would make him incapable of driving. „I can take you home", Hotch said without thinking.

„Really?" Reid's eyes starting glowing and Hotch felt his heart jump but before he could interpret too much into this he recollected himself. Reid was probably just relieved he would not have to deal with drunks and hobos on the subway.

„Sure, let me just get my coat", he said and wanted to turn away from Reid, but did not do so as he felt him touching his elbow. „I still have to get these tokens changed into cash. Wait for me?", he asked him. Hotch nodded and sighed when Reid rushed off. He knew that driving his subordinate home was probably not the best idea considering how he felt for him. No, the problem was that he did not know how he felt for him. His emotions reminded Aaron of the feeling, he had had when he had seen Haley for the first time back in High School. A typical immature crush. Only this one now was far more frustrating. Even though, Hotch had had to join the drama department to get close to Haley, he had gotten what he wanted. He knew she would say yes when he asked her out and he knew she was the woman he was going to marry. Of course he had not known that they would split up over something as trivial as his job but from the beginning there had not been any doubt that he would get what he wanted.

Aaron felt the urge to hit his head against something hard. He knew better than to fall for a co-worker. A male co-worker. No, Aaron Hotchner was too old to develop a High School crush on Spencer Reid. But was that all it was? He did not know when all this had started. He just knew that he had always enjoyed spending time with him. This had been partly the reason why he had spent more time at work than with Haley. Maybe Spencer Reid had been the cause of his marriage failure all along?

He inhaled deeply as he saw the man he had just been thinking about approaching him. „Where's your coat?", he asked. Hotch had been buried in thought, he had completely forgotten about that. „I was just thinking", he said slowly, racking his brains for an excuse, „maybe you want to stay a bit longer, now that you don't have to worry about the people on the subway?"

„Naah", Spencer shook his head, „Morgan's too busy flirting, I don't think he cares if we're here or not. And by the way, there were two girls practically throwing themselves at me just because I won some money and I don't want to put up with them"

„I'm sure that was not the only reason they were coming onto you", Hotch said and wanted to bite his tongue. This so wasn't him. He was not the person to speak without thinking and as much as he wanted to blame the one beer he had consumed, he knew that this was not the alcohol talking.

„Yes it was. But I'm okay with that. I didn't want anything from them anyway. So what are we doing now?", Reid asked, looking at Hotch with his big hazel eyes.

As much as Hotch desired to say something else, his brain forced himself to utter: „Why don't I just take you home?", and he finally turned to the coat check. He used the little time he had while the lady behind the counter searched for his coat to calm himself down. He knew this comment might have hurt Reid but everything would be fine if he only dropped him off at his apartment. He put on his coat and looked at Reid with a subtle smile to assure him that he wasn't mad, that he did want to drive him home, just nothing more. The younger man smiled back and followed him to his car. They both got in and Reid told Hotch his address. For a few minutes neither of them spoke, then Hotch asked: „Why didn't you want anything from those girls? They were pretty hot looking, weren't they?"

Spencer bit his lip nervously. „Yeah, I guess. I don't, um, know about that. They were not... my type and as I said they were just after my money"

Hotch focused on the road but did not let the subject drop, „Not your type?"

When Reid did not answer, he tried it differently, „Well, what is your type?"

„I... I didn't mean it like that. It's just I don't... there is only... Um, can we please not talk about this?", Reid stuttered and in order to change the subject he started rambling and reciting irrelevant statistics about gold diggers. He did not stop until Hotch pulled into the parking space in front of his apartment complex. Reid got out of the car and asked him if he wanted to come upstairs for a cup of coffee. Hotch knew he should leave but he could not bring himself to decline this offer. While ascending the stairs to Reid apartment, he told Spencer that coffee was probably not the best choice at this hour and when Reid unlocked his door, he promised his boss to fix him a vanilla ice milk shake instead. Hotch smiled at this. It was obvious that Reid was not used to have people over. He looked around the living room and was still smiling when he sat down on the couch, taking the glass Reid offered him. Hotch took a sip and looked at Reid sitting down next to him with a mug filled with steaming hot coffee. His smile froze. Why had Reid invited him in? Aaron tried to lock eyes with his co-worker but he stared to the floor. He took Reid's mug out of his hands and placed it together with the milk shake on the table in front of him. „What is going on?", Hotch asked, trying to hide his anxiousness. Had Spencer noticed his odd behaviour? Had he seen his lecherous gaze at the casino? Hotch had tried not to let his poker face slip, had he tried too hard? Had it been obvious? After all, Reid was a profiler.

„N-n-nothing", he mumbled, visibly nervous as well. When Reid slowly turned to look at him with wide eyes, a wave of lust hit Hotch and he lost all of his self-control. He grabbed the younger mans head, pulled it towards him and kissed him. Hotch's mouth sank into Reids full, soft lips and he shivered with excitement. For a moment the two men did not move and Hotch starting to come to his senses again, wanted to pull back, when Reid's mouth opened slightly. He returned Aaron's kiss and slowly pushed his tongue against his bosses thin lips. Hotch opened them, letting Reid's tongue explore his mouth. Their kiss gained intensity and Hotch had to interrupt it to catch his breath. When their lips met again, Reid moaned and Hotch felt his blood move from his brain into another area of his body. Eager he loosened his tie and pulled Reid's shirt out of his trousers. He parted their lips to push the sweatervest over Reid's head and when his hands moved down to unbuckle Reid's belt, the younger man used the pause to stutter „Um, Hotch, I never... I've never done this before"

Hotch grinned and move the younger man until he supined on his couch. He opened Reid's zipper and answered, „Me neither"

As he pulled Reid's pants down, Reid licked his lips and lifted his head: „What? You are married", he panted, „You have a child"

„Exactly. I met Haley in High School, she was the only one...", Hotch had been about to remove Spencer's boxers when he realized what he had just been told. „Oh you mean... you've never... at all? Not even with a woman?"

Aaron Hotchner felt like he had been hit in the face. His common sense finally came back to him and he ceased from his younger co-worker. For a few minutes he had switched off his brain and this could have ended real bad, he thought. He got mad at himself for letting it come this far. He was not the type of man to do something without thinking about it. He was not the person to throw caution to the wind.

„I am sorry, Spencer. I am so sorry. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have come here. This was a mistake. I'm sorry", he stumbled, fighting the feeling of nausea rising inside him.

„H-Hotch?", the younger agent whimpered, sitting up „Why are you sorry?"

Hotch felt dizzy and tripped over the table, causing the glass and the mug to fall, mixing their contents together. „I am sorry", he said once again, took his coat and left the apartment.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Reid cringed when the apartment door was slammed shut. He lay on his couch half naked unable to move. Just moments ago both his most wonderful dream and his most terrible nightmare had come true. He had kissed the man he loved, had been kissed by him. But then he had been rejected by this man. And it was his fault.

He thought of a quote by Robin Williams: „God gave men both a penis and a brain but not enough blood to use both at the same time"

It was true. Reid's brain had not been working properly. He knew better than to tell somebody he was about to sleep with that they actually belonged to somebody else. He had reminded Hotch that he was a married man with a son. He had ruined his one in a life time chance of ever having sex with the love of his life.

He felt his eyes filling with tears thinking about the way Hotch had touched him minutes ago but he continued where Hotch had left off, taking of his boxers and starting to touch himself. He could still taste the smack of vanilla on his lips where Hotch had kissed him, even though he had just had one sip of his milk shake. He thought about how Hotch had loosened his tie while his tongue had still been playing with Reid's. He jerked off imagining that it was Hotch's hand around his erection. Tears ran streaming down Reid's face and he started to sob. He was crying so hard, his body was shaking. When was close to orgasm, he turned his head to the side, noticing the mug and glass which had fallen over. The hot coffee and the cold vanilla milk shake had mixed together reminding Reid of what could have happened tonight and with a loud wail he came.

Vanilla ice milk shake, so Hotch and hot coffee, so Reid.

It should have been them blending, fusing, melding, melting but Reid had blown his chance.

He had never thought any of this could happen at all. He had fallen for Hotch the day he had joined the BAU, but he was so clearly out of his league he had never acted on his emotions. Not only was he older and his boss and even fraternization with equivalent co-workers was forbidden, but he was also straight and happily married and if that weren't enough, contrary to Reid, he was a real catch.

It was only natural for somebody to fall for SSA Aaron Hotchner, because he was a truly handsome man. But it seemed like a total insolence for a geek freak like Spencer Reid to do so.

Reid had never imagined anything could happen between them, he had accepted this and just tried to enjoy it whenever his work allowed him to spent time with Hotch. This had been enough to make him happy. He had relished the little pats on his back or his shoulder when he had done well and this was motivation enough to continue doing a good job. Reid had never even dared to wish for anything more.

He had expected tonight to be totally different. He had assumed that Hotch would bring his wife to the casino and he knew that even though he had no right to be jealous he would have only managed to survive this by getting drunk. This was why he had taken the subway to go to Morgan's party. But Hotch had not brought along Haley. Instead he had been sitting alone at a table watching the other members of his team. Reid had resisted the urge to sit down with him and had instead taken advantage of the casino. He was really good at poker, so he won every round even though he was not as focused as he could have been. After the third round, two girls approached him and he had a hard time fighting them off. One of them whispered something dirty into his ear and he affected a laugh. When saw Hotch leave his table hastily, he excused himself. It had taken all of Reid's courage to ask his boss if he was already heading out, even though this was a totally normal question anybody might ask a co-worker. When Hotch suggested he could drive him home, Reid could not suppress the delight in his eyes. He had simply been happy to spend a little time with Hotch after all. On the way home, he had nearly put his foot in it by implying that there was only one person he found hot looking but he managed to end the conversation by babbling on about gold diggers. He knew that Hotch would have kept asking about that one person until he found out who it was and Reid did not want to lie to him. He knew he had already challenged his luck tonight but he had asked Hotch to come up for a cup of coffee anyway. He decided he had nothing to lose, Reid thought worst case scenario: Hotch said no.

But he had said yes and he had come up and what happened had happened.

He did not know why the older man had kissed him, maybe he had just been lonely but Reid did not mind being taken advantage of at this point. He just enjoyed being kissed and touched by the man he loved even if he did not reciprocate his feelings. As Hotch had started to undress him, Reid had thought he should tell the person he was about to lose his virginity to that this was going to be his first time. He did not want Hotch to stop, he did not even want him to be careful or anything, all he wanted was for him to know that he had never done this before. But by doing so he had presumably reminded Hotch of his wife and child waiting at home, that he was about to commit adultery and that the person he was making out with was Spencer Reid, the weirdo, a 25 year old-virgin.

He did not blame Hotch for leaving but he wished he had not said anything. He did not know if Hotch would have carried on or if he would have come to his senses at some point but Reid regretted that he had provoked it. He knew that this would not have gone anywhere but since his returning of the kiss had already sealed his fate, he might as well have gone further.

Now that Hotch knew about Reid's feelings, he would do everything to stay away from him. If he had ever had any respect for Reid, he had lost it tonight. From now on he would look at him with disgust, if he ever dared to look at him again. Maybe Reid would get fired. Maybe he would tell the team about it and the bullying Reid had hoped he had escaped from would start all over again.

After laying naked on his couch for hours, torturing his mind with what-ifs he finally fell asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Hotch had spent the entire weekend trying to figure out the best way to handle the situation. He knew he should talk to Spencer about what had happened but he could not bring himself to call him. What should he say? He could not tell him about his feelings, that he had gotten carried away because he was in love with him. But he sure as hell could not lie to him either, tell him that he had had too much to drink, that his testosterone level had gotten out of balance, that he had mistaken Spencer for Haley. None of these excuses made sense, none were good enough.

Hotch had screwed up big time and he felt that any conversation with Reid would only make it worse.

For the very first time, Hotch dreaded going to work. For the very first time he did not know what to do. He was used to being in control, having the power. Now he felt helpless, he had no idea how Spencer felt about the incident. He had kissed him back but Aaron assumed that he had just been too afraid to reject his boss.

Sitting in his office, hours before everybody else arrived, he could not help thinking about what he had done and what consequences this could have. Reid could actually sue him for sexual harassment. These few minutes in which he had let go and given in to his innermost cravings could have ruined his career, could have ruined his life.

He had not meant any harm, he had just longed to touch his beautiful, intelligent and yet unconfident co-worker, he had wanted to kiss his self doubts away, he had wished to tell him that at least to one person he meant the world.

Up until that night, Hotch had denied his feelings by all means. He had thought of himself as that aging man, simply admiring the youth, beauty, intellect and innocence Reid embodied. He had seen himself as a figure in „Death in Venice" or „The Picture of Dorian Gray". But now he knew he was just a man in love with another man, his subordinate, knowing the attraction was onesided and still making a move on him. He had forced himself onto him, almost taken advantage of him, almost taken his virginity.

He realized that he was not much better than most of the criminals he caught.

Hotch was relieved when JJ called everybody into the conference room. This meant they had a case, something he could focus his mind onto. He would not have to talk to Reid simply because there was no time for private discussions. During the briefing Hotch looked surreptitiously at him only to find Reid staring at him. For a short moment their eyes met, then Reid started moving across the room and contributed something to the conversation. Hotch completed his sentence and when Reid added further information, both relaxed, knowing that their working relationship had not changed. They were professionals and could pretend that nothing had happened.

On their flight to Golconda, Nevada they concentrated solely on their work and also when they got there, the only thing they talked about was the case which was not too difficult since they were dealing with an extremely gruesome serial killer.

But when the team was at the house of the only victim who ever escaped him and they found out he had been giving her gifts from his killings, a discussion about his wish to be with her started. Prentiss asked if he was coming back to this place because he was in love with her and Reid answered: „That's impossible. A sexual sadist can't feel love"

Hotch replied rhetorically: „Well, define love", but he should have known better because this made Reid babble on about the chemicals responsible for this emotion and that they could not only be found in chocolate but also in peas.

He wanted to ignore Reid, he knew that this had nothing to do with them, but his words hit home. Somehow this degrading of his feelings caused Hotch's heart to ache and he harshly told Reid to stop. When he then saw the hurt look in his eyes, Hotch wanted to break down. He wanted to let go, sit down and cry his heart out.

But this was not the time for his problems, people's lives were at risk, he had to focus on the case and that's what he did.

The team had caught the killer but they had to let him escape in order to save the lives of the children he had kidnapped. The flight home was frustrating and nobody spoke a word.

As soon as they landed in Quantico, they got called to another case, this time in Atlanta.

On the plane to Georgia, after the team had reviewed and discussed all the information they had so far, most of them went to sleep.

Hotch had not known that they would get assigned to another case that fast, so he had to call Haley to cancel the visit he had planned. He talked quietly as he did so, he still had not told anybody she had left him. Haley did not seem too surprised, but he could tell that she was pissed although she allowed him to talk to Jack. His face lit up as he talked to his son and unwittingly his voice grew louder. This caused Spencer to open his eyes and watch him. After a while Hotch asked Jack to put his mother on the phone, then he laughed and said: „Aww, I love you too"

Spencer flinched and jumped out of his seat, making his way quickly to the bathroom.

Hotch frowned at this and muttered into the phone: „Nevermind, Jack, I'll call you again later"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Reid locked the bathroom door behind him, sat down on the shut toilet seat and closed his eyes. He knew that Hotch loved his wife but hearing him tell her had hurt.

A single tear escaped from under his eyelashes and rolled down his cheek. Before he could give in to the emotions and start crying without restraint, he heard a knock on the door. He brushed away the tear and inhaled deeply. There was another knock and Reid stood up, unlocked and opened the bathroom door and wanted to get out, but was pushed back in by Hotch.

„What's the matter?", the older man asked and closed the door behind him. When he did not get an answer he tried again: „Reid, what is it?"

Reid turned away from him and looked at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were still watery, so denying that something was wrong was useless. He saw Hotchs concerned face in the mirror and rasped: „That night. If I hadn't said anything, you would have... we would have..."

Hotch bowed his head. „I am sorry for what I did to you"

„No", Reid whimpered like a sad little child and turned to face his boss, „Be sorry for what you didn't do to me"

The older man raised his head again and looked at him in astonishment. After a short pause, he muttered: „Reid, I don't understand..."

Spencer had always held back his feelings, he had never talked to anybody about how he felt for his boss, he had tried to ignore it, but now he could not pretend that the night in question was of no significance to him. His voice broke as he spoke: „If I hadn't brought up your marriage, we would have slept with each other. I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have made you think about your wife"

Hotch still did not seem to understand, „I am glad you said something but it had nothing to do with my wife"

Reid uttered a sound which was a mixture between a snort and a bitter laugh, „You just told her you love her"

Hotch's frown grew even deeper. „I was talking to my son."

The younger agent's face lit up as the feeling of relieve took over but then something even more painful hit him and he gasped. „So you stopped because I told you I was a virgin?"

Hotch nodded.

Reid could not hide the hurt in his voice as he asked „Was that such a major turnoff?"

„What? No, I was being reasonable", Aaron told him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Spencer shook it off, the pain turned into anger „You were being a narcissist. You were not thinking about me, about what I wanted, what I felt. You were thinking about yourself. You were thinking about how you are above sleeping with someone like me, weren't you?"

Hotch could not follow Reid's trend of thoughts. „No, absolutely not. When you told me you were a virgin, I realised how much it could hurt you"

„You only stopped when you realized that I haven't slept with a woman. If I had you would have carried on. It would have also hurt", Reid argued.

„I am not talking about physical pain"

„Oh and you mean leaving me there did not hurt? You rejecting me was the biggest pain you could have possibly caused, so I am sorry but you are a classical narcissist", he pushed his boss aside and wanted to leave the bathroom but stopped when he heard him shout.

„If I really were a narcissist, I would have fucked you that night. I would not have thought about anything, I would have just..."

Reid pressed his lips on Hotchs. But before the older agent could respond, he already pulled back. He suddenly grasped what he had said and how absurd his behaviour was. „Hotch, I am so sorry. I, um, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it."

„It's okay", Aaron said but Reid shook his head: „No, it's not. I'm the narcissist. I wanted to sleep with you so bad, I didn't care about your feelings. You obviously did not want to and that's okay and I get that. I had no right to say anything."

Spencer figured he now had completely disgraced himself by admitting his desire and as Hotch started „Reid, like I said...", he interrupted him, desperately trying to save the situation somehow. „I mean I know it wouldn't have meant anything but I... I guess I just wanted to take advantage of the situation. Things like this normally don't happen to me. It was selfish to wish for you to cheat on your wife but as I said I knew it would not have meant anything. Can we please just forget about all of it?"

His head was filled with words he could not put into sentences, he could not express and before he kept on babbling, he left the bathroom and went back to his seat. Luckily the others were still asleep, he was too exhausted and too confused to explain what he had been doing at the bathroom for so long. And why Hotch had been with him.

The only thing he could set his hope onto was the fact that since the other man did not have an eidetic memory he might have not gotten all of what he had said and he would forget about some things. He knew that they would focus on the case for now, so he had time to sort out his thoughts. He decided that as soon as he had come to a conclusion, he would write Hotch a letter. When it came to feelings he could express himself better when writing them down. Talking about it seemed to always make things worse as today's discussion had shown.

Hotch came back from the bathroom and Spencer quickly grabbed the file and studied the photos of the dead bodies. He came up to him but before he could say anything it was announced that they would be landing in ten minutes.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

As the plane was descending, Hotch thought about what Reid had said. It did not make any sense. The younger agent had wanted to sleep with him. Was he so desperate to lose his virginity? Hotch was sure that Reid had had other opportunities. Yes, he had certain insecurities concerning social behaviour but still, he was very attractive. If he just wanted to get laid, he would have found a way.

Was it Hotch's position that provided attraction? The thrill of sleeping with one's boss? The Unit Chief? He could not imagine that being the reason. The only plausible explanation that he could think of was that maybe Hotch's feelings were not as hopeless and one-sided as he had presumed. They got out of the plane and into the cars they had been provided with and Hotch suppressed the desire of leering at Reid. This was once again not the time for anything non-work-related, so he shoved all of his thoughts about Spencer Reid aside and focused on the case. Hotch had learned how switch to work mode like a machine, he knew how to function.

Only at the local police station when Reid bit into a waffle, Agent Hotchner allowed himself to savor the sight for a few seconds until Reid swallowed and the older man turned away from him, concentrating on the photos of the crime scene again. Just in time as JJ entered the office to inform him about the results of her research. Hotch was listening to her but suddenly the image of Spencer chewing that waffle flashed before his eyes and he shot a glance at his male subordinate. Reid who had been looking at Hotch the entire time frowned as their eyes locked.

The Unit Chief could not afford to be distracted by interpreting too much into this, so he dismissed it as Reid wondering how valueable the newly gained information was. He quickly decided that JJ and Reid should go talk to a possible witness called Tobias Hankel and as they both left, he was informed that there had been another murder.

He and the rest of the team drove to the crime scene and after that back to the police station where they watched a video of the murder. A very bad feeling arose inside of Hotch but at first he could not tell why. Then the chief of police brought up a name and it suddenly hit him. For a moment he could not control the fear, worry and sorrow being displayed on his face. Hankel. Tobias Hankel. He had sent Reid to talk to him. He had probably signed Reid's death warrant.

Hotch gasped and immediately tried to call Reid and JJ. But he himself had already experienced that there was a spotty cell signal in rural Georgia. He noticed everybody else in the room staring at him in confusion and quickly told the other members of the BAU what was going on. Together with the local police officers they drove to the unsub's house only to find him and Reid missing.

After clearing the house, they talked to JJ who she was still in shock and not much of a help. Hotch assigned duties promptly and had to step out into the rain because at that moment he was so distraught, he had no energy to hold back his feelings. Nevertheless he could not let his subordinates see his tears. He was the boss, he was supposed to be in charge, hold the team together, take care of them and make sure nobody lost his or her hope. If they saw him like that they might give up and lose the trust in their abilities.

Hotch could not remember when he had cried for the last time but he could also not remember having felt so miserable before.

He knew that there was no way he could have known beforehand that Tobias Hankel was not a witness but a murderer still he blamed himself for sending two of his agents to talk to him, for sending Reid. He should gave gone instead. But then again he as the team leader had to be at the scene of the last murder so he couldn't have gone. The rain was mingling with his tears and the more he thought about this situation the more frustrated he got. He had done nothing wrong, still he was angry at himself. He teared his hair and panted with rage but it didn't help. He could not change anything about the situation. Once he calmed down, he sorted his thoughts and went back inside the house.

He called Garcia and told her to take the next plane to Georgia. Then he helped his team turn the barn upside down to find any information to where the unsub could have taken Reid. Aaron prayed that it was not too late. He would never forgive himself if something happened to his genius agent. He had sent him there, he needed to save him. Hotch staring at the younger man eating a waffle could not have been their last encounter. The last time they had spoken, Hotch had not managed to bring across any of his feelings. There was so much he needed to tell the younger agent. He had to at least get their discussion on the plane out of the way. He could not have Reid be angry at him without knowing the real reasons behind all of it. This could not be the end of everything.

As Hotch drove to the airport to pick up Garcia, he was alone with his thoughts again and it was killing him. He did not know what Tobias Hankel would do to Reid and the thought of the man hurting his agent was unbearable. It was always painful when one of the team was endangered but this was even worse since to Hotch Reid was so much more than just one of the team. He loved him.

He was desperately trying to get his mind to come up with something useful for the case but his head was filled with questions. Why had the unsub taken Reid? Wasn't he on a mission to punish sinners? Why would the unsub think that Reid was a sinner? Would he kill him? Would he torture him? Hotch hoped that he was thinking to much and that Reid would return to them safely but he had to stay realistic.

He sighed when he got out of the car and entered the entrance hall of the airport. He still had some time left until Garcias plane landed so he decided to buy a cup of coffee. He would not get any sleep until Reid had been found so he needed help to keep his body awake. He swallowed when he was asked if he wanted sugar with his coffee because he remembered how Reid always drank his coffee with more sugar than joe. As he paid, the woman behind him in the line ordered a vanilla soy latte and Hotch nearly dropped his cup. Vanilla coffee. The night at Reid's place came to his mind. Vanilla ice milk shake and coffee. He took a sip of the hot beverage and was reminded of how the younger man's lips had tasted and the thought of never kissing them again almost tore him apart.

Hotch was glad when he saw Garcia rushing over to him. On the way back to Hankel's house he told her everything they knew about this guy, it helped her to get an overview and him to not get lost in his thoughts again. When they got there she lost no time getting set up and Hotch joined the others in going through Hankel's diaries.

When Morgan called them to the computer room and he saw the live streaming of Reid on the screens Hotch felt his heart drop. His agent was tied to a chair and he had clearly been beaten. Aaron was glad that Reid was alive but he wanted to kill the man who had hurt him. He admired the younger man who was clearly in pain but still risked his life attempting to save somebody else's as Hankel told him to chose a woman to be killed.

Hotch felt tears filling his eyes again but blinked them away. He needed to stay strong. He could not give in to emotions which were not helping Reid in any way. He wished he could do anything to stop Reid's suffering, he wished he could swop places with him.

The unsub cut off the streaming and only minutes later they were called to another murder. Hotch did not want to leave, he wanted to stay in front of the computers in case the unsub reconnected with them again but as Unit Chief he had to go.

He returned without having gained any new insight and he did not know what else to do. They had gone through every diary, had dissected his computer, had searched the grounds around the house but there was no information to where the unsub held Reid. Hotch went through the house again and looked around to see if they had missed anything. He heard Garcia cry out and he ran into the computer room so fast he hit his shoulder at the door frame. He saw Reid on the screen lying on the floor and his eyes widened. When was told that Reid had just died, his heart stopped. He felt like he could not breathe, he inhaled several times but could not get the air out of his lungs. He felt that he was hyperventilating and close to having a panic attack but he couldn't get his eyes off the screen. He was waiting for some kind of miracle to happen. He would do anything, give anything for the boy to just move again.

A sigh escaped his lips as Tobias Hankel returned and starting performing CPR on his agent. He went to get Gideon out of the bathroom and when he heard Reid coughing Hotch could finally exhale again.

Everybody was still shattered but with Reid alive their brains started functioning again and they continued trying to come up with the location of where he was being kept while they watched Hankel forcing Reid to chose one of the agents to die. When Reid answered: „Kill me", Hotch closed his eyes. He had lost track of time but these hours, these days had been the worst of his life.

He opened his eyes again when he heard the cylinder of Hankel's gun spin. Hotch placed his hand over his mouth to hold back a whimper. Reid could save himself by just naming one of them and Hotch hoped that he would do it. He hoped that he would chose him. He deserved Reid's hate. Reid should not sacrifice his own life, he had just died and come back to life for God's sake. He should just name somebody, if Hankel would make so much as one move in their direction they would have him, there would not be any chance for him to kill somebody of the team. But Reid refused to say a name and the probability of him surviving this game of Russian roulette decreased drastically.

Finally he gasped: „I choose Aaron Hotchner" and Hotch was relieved but at the same time he could not help freezing at these words. Did Reid really want him to die?

But when his younger agent went on: „He's a classic narcissist" his doubt vanished. Reid quoted Genesis 23:4 and Hotch quickly grabbed a Bible to look it up. The other members of his team followed him, watching him with sympathy, ready to console him and were confused when they saw the hint of a smile on his face. Quickly he explained himself „Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that". Then he showed his co-workers the Bible passage Reid had just recited wrong. The hope lit up Hotchs face, they knew where he was and they would save him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Reid let out a sigh of relief when Raphael, one of Tobias Hankel's multiple personalities, left the room. Now all he could do was hope. Hope that the team had been watching. Hope that they would get the message. Hope that Hotch would understand. Hope that they had narrowed the location down enough to find the cemetary. Hope that he was in a cemetary.

He had seen a tombstone when he was lying on the floor, being revived by Hankel and he had noticed a few shovels earlier on.

Reid closed his eyes, trying to imagine what his collegues of the BAU were doing at this moment, when Tobias returned as himself and gave him some water to drink. Reid used the opportunity to thank him for saving his life and to ask whether they really were in a cemetary. When he affirmed, Spencer smiled. He had been right. He was still smiling when Tobias tied off his arm in order to find a vein to inject the Dilaudid into and for the first time Reid did not fight him, he was actually looking forward to feeling the drug. The last time he had not only seen memories from his childhood but he had also dreamed about Hotch. He had seen the man hug him and he wanted to go back to that. He knew it was not real but he thought that since it never would be, the only way he could ever hug his boss would be in these dreams and he wanted to experience this again.

He felt the narcotic rush through his blood and closed his eyes, drifting off. He heard Hankel's father taking over, saying something about sin and partially aware of it, his hallucinations turned to the two „sins" he had committed in his life. The first, letting his schizophrenic mother get institutionalized and the second one, falling in love with Aaron Hotchner. Hankel was waiting for him to confess a sin. If he told him that he loved another man, he did not want to imagine what Hankel would do to him. He was a religious fanatic so Reid was certain he considered homosexuality a sin. Did he know? Was that why he had chosen to abduct him?

The Dilaudid prevented him from forming clear thoughts so he stopped trying and decided to let his mind wander. He wanted to see Hotch again, feel him, but this time the drug made him see the day he had called the mental hospital to take his mother away. He did not want to see this. He wanted to run from the pain, not experience another.

He knew that it had been the right desicion to let his mother be treated professionally but he could not help feeling guilty. „I'm so sorry", he mumbled and Charles Hankel immediately caught up on it. „Is that a confession?", he asked and Reid, who did not have the power to continue struggling, nodded and answered „I confess". Hankel opened the handcuffs that had Reid restrained to the chair and told him to grab a shovel.

Outside the house, on the graveyard he picked a spot and let the agent dig his own grave. Hankel watched and told him that he should be buried alive. As much as Reid wanted to feel fear, he did not. At this point he felt nothing anymore. He dug halfheartedly and thought about Hotch. The last time they had spoken to each other about something else than the case had been on the plane where Reid had acted like a complete psycho. He wished he could talk to Hotch once more, explain his behaviour. If he was going to die anyway there was no use in concealing his feelings anymore.

At first he thought he was hallucinating again or approaching death, when he saw a light in the dark woods. But then he saw several and the size of the lights and their movements quickly told him that these were flashlights. The team had come to save him.

He had to distract Hankel, so he told him that he was not strong enough to dig and the man reacted the way he wanted. He pulled off his jacket and dropped his gun. When Hankel saw the lights, Reid grabbed the gun and eventhough he knew that there was only one bullet in it, he fired. Hankel fell over and Reid crawled next to him. With his last words he knew that he was Tobias again.

The team had heard the shot and ran towards the two men, Hotch was the first to reach Reid and helped him stand up. The mixture of emotions that had just started to rise in the young man, disappeared again when he felt Hotch's strong hands around his arm. At first he felt almost numb, unsure if this was real but then he placed a hand on his boss' shoulder and looked him in the eyes before placing his arm around him completely. He pressed himself against him and with a cracking voice he said: „I knew you'd understand"

He wanted to stay like this forever, his mind was blank as he was just enjoying to be where he had always longed to be, in Aaron Hotchner's tight embrace. As he felt Hotch's hands shift on his back, he withdrew reluctantly and in the next moment JJ pulled him into a hug. He laid his arms around her but it was completely different than it had been with Hotch. Reid loved his team, but for a moment he was afraid that the others expected a hug as well and he did not feel like doing that. The only thing he wanted was Hotch's touch but the man had already started his way back to the house. Slowly the others left as well and Gideon laid an arm around him to support his weight to make the walk back easier but Reid asked him if he could have a second alone. Gideon nodded and left him with Hankel's body. He probably thought that Reid wanted to say goodbye. He would have never guessed what he was actually about to do and Spencer felt ashamed when he removed the two bottles of Dilaudid from Tobias' pockets and stuffed it into his own. He was disgusted with himself but Hotch's arms around him had added to his cravings of being with him and the drugs were the only way he could be. A few weeks ago he would have been happier than he thought it were even possible if Hotch had hugged him like that. Now all he could think of was the coldness and emptiness that had overcome him, when Hotch had let go of him.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Hotch told his team to go to the hotel to get some rest but joined the ambulance with which Reid was brought to a hospital. The boy was checked up on and because of his cardiac arrest, the doctors wanted to keep him for at least two days to make sure that there was no permanent damage. Hotch made a few phone calls and arranged that the team could stay in Georgia until their youngest agent was released. Then he stopped by Reid's room and found him fast asleep. He smiled at the sight and decided that it was time for him to hit the pillow as well, so he drove back to the hotel.

The next day, he hurried his morning hygiene and then drove to the hospital as soon as he was finished. He was the first one of the team to be there and Reid was still sleeping. Hotch decided to go to the hospital cafeteria for a quick lunch. When he came back, he found Gideon sitting next to the sleeping Reid. „Hey", he greeted and Gideon nodded. Hotch settled in a chair next to his older co-worker. For a long time they just sat there quietly watching Spencer's even breaths. Then Gideon suddenly said: „You understood"

Aaron looked up but did not respond. „I don't think I would have. You know him better than I do, better than the others on the team do", Gideon murmured.

„Jason", he started but the eldest member of their team just looked at him and smiled, „He knew that. He trusts you more than any of us"

Hotch had a feeling that this conversation was not just about why Reid had named him when Hankel forced him to choose an agent, so he picked his next words carefully: „You are still his mentor, his father figure". Gideon stood up with another smile on his lips, when he said „I know. But you are more to him" and left the room.

Hotch took a deep breath and his eyes moved back to Reid. He honestly hoped that Jason Gideon was right and he was looking forward to talking to Spencer. But right now it was comforting and relaxing to see the younger man sleeping so peacefully. For a moment he closed his eyes, but when he opened them again, the rest of the team was there and Reid was awake, complaining about the hospital coffee. Hotch stood up and moved closer to the bed and Reid stopped his rambling to wish him a good morning. They all laughed and he realized that it was already late in the afternoon, nearly evening. „How long have I been asleep? Why didn't you wake me?", he asked and Reid replied with a soft voice, completely different than the one he had used before, „You have been sitting there since I don't know when, watching me sleep. So me doing the same with you is only fair isn't it?" Hotch shivered at that and hoped the others hadn't noticed. He smiled, ready to answer the young agent when a nurse came in and told them that visiting hours were over.

The team said goodbye and promised Reid that they would be back tomorrow. Hotch had hoped to finally have a few moments alone with Reid but the nurse did not leave the room and kept looking at him impatiently, so he just squeezed his hand before he also left.

The next day Hotch stopped by a coffee shop before going to the hospital, taking something along for Reid. He was not too good at expressing emotions so he thought a great way of showing Spencer his feelings subtly yet clearly was to bring him a cup of vanilla coffee. Now entering Reid's room, he did not feel so sure about it anymore. He felt ridiculous and pictured the many ways this could go wrong. What if Reid did not like the taste of the coffee? What if he did not get the hint? What if he did not remember that part of their night? What if he did not want to remember? What if he did not want him?

Reid was awake and Hotch noticed him shifting in his bed uneasily. He blamed it on caffeine withdrawal symptoms because when the younger man saw the paper cup he sat up in his bed and squeaked: „Oh Hotch, you are saving my life. Thank you so much" and with a forced smile, Hotch handed him the coffee. He felt ashamed of his stupid idea and for a split second he thought that maybe the vanilla shot in the coffee would not taste too obvious. But it was Reid, who was not only extraordinarily smart but who also knew his coffee and the moment he took a sip, he frowned. He took another one, swallowed slowly, evaluating the taste and then turned to look at his boss with wide eyes. „V-vanilla coffee?", he asked and Hotch nodded. „What does that mean? Does that mean anything?", Reid spoke with such insecurity in his voice, Hotch thought his heart would break. With a large step he closed the distance to the bed and leaned over to kiss the man sitting on it. Suddenly a machine next to them started beeped rapidly and Hotch withdrew. Only a moment later, two nursed rushed into the room. One of them was the one that had thrown the team out the day before.

„What happened?", she asked but did not wait for Hotch to answer, because while she pushed button on the screen, the other turned to Reid with a stetoscope.

The first nurse took the coffee away from the patient, turned to Hotch again and said: „We need you to step out of the room"

He followed her orders and heard Reid protesting „I'm fine" but the nurse injected him something anyway. When the two women left the room again, the one that had taken the coffee and still held it in her hand looked angrily and scolded him. „There is a reason why our patients are only allowed decaf" and with that she threw the cup into a wastebin. Hotch wanted to go back into Reid's room but the nurse hissed „The patient needs rest"

„You can go in and say goodbye", the other nurse interfered, pulled her collegue aside and winked at Hotch. He thanked her and entered the room. Reid was lying in his bed and smiling at the ceiling. „Oh Hotch", he gasped, „you are hot"

The older man chuckled and answered „Thanks. Well, so are you" but Reid ignored it and went on: „You know, it's even in your name. HOT-chner." Hotch sighed as he realized he had been given some kind of narcotic. „Reid, I have to go now, the nurses kicked me out", he paused, „I shouldn't have brought you coffee. I guess hot chocolate would have been better" and as the boy did not respond, he moved closer to the door. „Hotch?", he suddenly asked and Hotch turned to the bed again, „Yes?"

Reid smiled at him, „It's in hot chocolate" and the Unit Chief frowned, „What is?" „Hotch. Hotch-ocolate", the boy answered and his smile grew even bigger.

Normally Hotch would have laughed at the situation, Reid being high on pain medication. But this time, after that case, Hotch had a very bad feeling about it.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

When Reid awoke, he felt like he had slept for days. Still he was exhausted and his eyelids did not cease to feel heavy. He could tell it was night as the room was filled with darkness except for a small chink of light which shone through the door crack. He closed his weary eyes and wanted to doze off again, when suddenly images of Hotch entered his mind. He had dreamt about his boss but he was not sure what exactly had happened in the dream. There was a faint memory of Hotch bringing him coffee into the hospital but when remembrances of vanilla flavor in the coffee and a hot kiss joined it, Reid was sure he had been hallucinating again. The nurses had overmedicated him and he already craved another shot. He was ashamed of having these thoughts and he forced himself to sleep.

But Reid slept fitfully and woke up several times. He tossed and turned in his bed and started to feel irritated. He was hot but when he removed the blanket he felt cold again. The petulance rose and so did the wish for receiving pain killers. Reid tried to distract this thoughts by disecting his recollection of Hotch's visit, wanting to figure how much had been real and how much his own imagination. The more he thought about it, the less likely it seemed that the event actually happened. He had been hallucinating because of the meds and this revelation caused his eyes to sting but to want the drugs all the more.

He needed Hotch but he could never have him so he had to settle with the next best thing, his fantasy. The opiates helped him escape from the real world, where he would never be anything but a subordinate to the man he loved. He knew it was miserable to flee into a world of pretend, a world of make-believe but he had involuntarily tasted blood and wanted more. He hated Tobias Hankel for doing this to him, for introducing him to the possibility of escape. It was almost worse than the pain the alternate personality of his father or Raphael had inflicted on him. It was Tobias' fault that he had died even though it had been Tobias that brought him back to life.

Reid was torn out of his thoughts by a nurse coming in, bringing him breakfast. He stood up and went to the small table in his room and sat down but when he looked at the gruel he angrily shoved the bowl away from him. „I don't get any coffee and now you serve me this disgusting stuff? I demand my immediate release from this hospital"

The nurse started giggling but when she realized Reid wasn't, she left the room with the words, „I'll get you a doctor". „I am a doctor myself", shouted Spencer loud enough for her to hear it from the hallway.

A few seconds later the members of the BAU team stormed into the room. Reid presumed they had just been on their way down the hallway when his words alarmed them. „What's wrong?", asked Hotch. Reid didn't dare to look at him so he focused on the bowl of gruel which was still on the table. „I am ready to be released", he said.

„You sure?", asked Prentiss at the same time as Morgan exclaimed „Finally!"

Reid just nodded and felt Hotch hesitate before he said: „I'll go tell the doctor to get the papers ready"

On the plane home Reid tried peeping at Hotch continuously but everytime Reid's eyes moved towards his boss, their gaze met. He stood up and went into the bathroom to check if he looked okay but besides the eye circles that were darker than usual he couldn't find anything out of the ordinary. When he got back and sat down he caught Hotch staring at him again. There was something in his eyes Reid couldn't quite identify. He figured it was pity and huffed.

When they landed and moved towards their cars, Hotch approached Reid. „Do you want a ride home?", he asked. Reid frowned and asked slightly annoyed: „What?"

Hotch looked almost desolate when he deepened his proposal. „Do you want me to drive you home?"

Reid stopped and gaped at him for at least a minute, uncertain how to respond. He wanted to. He wanted it real bad but he didn't know why Hotch had offered it. Did he think he was incapable of taking care of himself? Reid hated being pitied. He had basically raised himself, why were people still looking down at him?

A part of him knew it was a nice gesture of his boss to offer him a ride, it was nice Hotch cared for him. But it wasn't the kind of care he wanted, the kind of care he needed.

He knew it was unfair and also greedy of him to not be satisfied with what Hotch was willing to give but he needed something more of him, even if it wasn't real.

Now he knew what the protagonist of „Vanilla Sky" felt like, prefering to live in a „lucid dream" rather than his actual, pathetic life.

He couldn't let Hotch drive him home, be a concerned co-worker, maybe even a friend, when Reid wanted him to be his lover. His desire was too unbearable for that, he needed to go home and put the bottles of dilaudid to use he had stolen from Hankel.

So Spencer lifted his head and snapped „I think we both know that that's not a good idea", before rushing past him. It broke his heart to have possibly caused Hotch pain but then the thought arose that maybe Hotch didn't care enough for him to be affected by his words. Reid did not know which was worse.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Hotch was still standing on the FBI landing strip next to his car, devastated by Reid's words. Everybody else had already left but he was incapable of moving and getting into the car. He just stood there, shocked, trying to grasp what had happened. When the pilote of their private jet approached him, Hotch was jolted back into reality. The man handed him a go-bag and Hotch knit his brows, not understanding at first. „One of you forgot it in the jet", the pilote explained before going back to the plane.

Hotch sighed and opened the bag to see whose it was. A sweater vest was on top of the other clothes so it became evident that the bag belonged to Reid. Hotch wanted to close it again, when he saw a notepad next to the sweater. He pulled it out, wondering why Reid would keep it in his go-bag as he had all other files and documents in his messenger bag. He did not mean to pry but he could not help opening it and what he saw took his breath away.

The notepad was empty with the exception of the first page. All it said was „Dear Hotch" but it was enough for his heart to skip a beat and before he knew it, he had thrown the notepad back into the bag and the bag into his car. On his way to Reid's he tried to prepare a speech but all the things that came to his mind sounded like worn out phrases.

When he got out of his car, he felt his heart pounding like mad and his hand trembled as he reached out to ring the bell with the name „Reid" next to it. „What?", came an annoyed answer and Hotch cleared his throat before telling Spencer it was him and he wanted to bring him his go-bag. He opened the door at the sound of the buzzer and almost ran up the stairs to his subordinate's apartment.

Spencer stood in his doorframe, looking crestfallen and examining his shoes before stretching out a hand to take his bag. But Hotch gently shoved him into his apartment and followed before closing the door behind them. Spencer lifted his head, looked at him in surprise and opened his mouth to say something but Aaron raised his hand indicating he should be quiet. „I know I should not be here. There are a million reasons for me not to be here. But there is one reason...", he started pacing the room before he continued to speak, „If you really don't want me here, that reason's not worth anything but I honestly thought I was a better profiler than that" With that he stopped and looked Reid straight in the eye. The younger man gulped and said almost whisperingly, „What's that... reason?"

Hotch took a step towards him and replied, never breaking eye contact, „I love you"

For a moment, Reid just stood there, staring at Hotch incredulously. Then he turned away and hollered: „I know what I said on the plane to Georgia but you don't have to pretend. I get that now. I can't make you..." Hotch grabbed Reid's shoulder and made him face him again. His voice was also raised when he responded, „I am not pretending. I thought I made myself clear in the hospital. You know with the coffee... and the kiss. I thought action spoke louder than words but apparently it didn't. Spencer Reid, I love you" The last words he shouted and he had to let go of Spencer to calm himself down a little before proceeding. „I am sorry it took me so long to figure it out. I am sorry it took all of this to make me realize that the things I thought I was putting at risk are worth nothing compared to you. When Haley left with Jack, I thought I was suffering. But when you were abducted, it was worse. The thought of losing you broke my heart, it tore me asunder. When you died, when Garcia and Gideon told me you had died, I couldn't breathe. I felt like the world had stopped spinning. I couldn't imagine living in a world without you. These were the two most horrible days of my life and when I got you back I swore myself I would... I would try..." Tears had started to form inside his eyes and he had to halt. Suddenly he felt a tentative hand on his shoulder and then another one on his waist and next thing he knew, he and Reid were embracing. „I love you too", Spencer whispered and Hotch squeezed the lithe body tighter to his chest. They stood like this for a few minutes, relishing the feeling of the other in their arms, inhaling their scent, neither wanting to let go again.

Slowly Spencer pulled back and scrutinized his boss. „I wasn't hallucinating...", his voice cracked and he tried again, „I wasn't dreaming at the hospital? You were there?"

Hotch frowned but nodded. Reid's lower lip started quivering. „I am sorry. Please forgive me for snapping at you, I thought..."

„Shh, it's okay", Hotch tried to calm him down but Reid started shaking. „No, you were being nice and I-I sent you away. I didn't want to but I love you so much", he sobbed, „I didn't think you would ever see me as anything but a young, inexperienced and annoying..." „Spencer! I never saw you like that. You are the most amazing person I know. You are so young but you know so much. You are smart, strong, gentle..."

Reid shook his head, „You are married, you have a son, you have everything. Why would you want me?"

Hotch placed a hand on Reid's cheek. „I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You would never doubt yourself again", he paused. „And as I said, Haley left me. Technically I am still married, but that's only on paper"

A tear ran down Spencer's face and touched Aaron's hand. He wiped it away with his thumb and Reid blubbered out, „Hotch, I have loved you since the day I joined the BAU. I have never felt anything like this before. I have never loved anyone until I met you and now you're telling me you feel the same. I never thought this could actually happen. You are so out of my league and I thought you were straight. Even though I read something which I'd like to believe, that there is no such thing as a fixed sexuality. That anyone can be attracted to anyone, fall in love with anyone. Oh Hotch, you don't know how happy you make me. How happy you are making me right now. You've saved my life"

Aaron hugged Reid again and together they settled on Reid's couch telling each other how they felt, clearing up all misconceptions.

Hotch woke up when he felt a jerky movement on his chest. Spencer was convulsing and mumbling something and Aaron realized he was having a bad dream. Unsure what to do, he laid a hand on Reid's back, but that was enough to jolt the young man out of his nightmare. When he saw his boss underneath him, he wrapped his arms around him and breathed „You're here. You're really here"

„Yes, I am, Spencer", he replied and ran his finger's through Reid's hair. „We must have fallen asleep talking, don't know that happened"

Reid's head jerked up instantly, „Please don't leave", he begged. „Spencer, I'm not leaving. Ever. Maybe we should move to the bedroom? It might be a little more comfortable there", Hotch suggested and Reid nodded and stood up. Hotch followed but Reid made no move to show him to the bedroom in fact he made no move at all. „Hotch", he started, „Aaron?" Hotch nodded, smiling slightly, silently allowing him to use his first name and encouraging him to keep on talking. „At Hankel's cabin. You know I chose you because I trust you. I trust you with my life. I've trusted you with... I mean, I told you I love you and that... gives you power. It makes me vulnerable"

„Me too, Spencer. You have the ability to hurt me like nobody else"

„I won't. I won't hurt you", Reid replied quickly

„And I won't hurt you", Aaron said softly and took Spencer's hand as he was guided into his bedroom.

Hotch awoke for the second time that night when an alarm clock started beeping. He wanted to turn it off, but failed and it kept on going until Spencer took it out of his hand and shut it off. „I'm sorry", Aaron said. „Why? It's my fault that I have such a stupid alarm clock. But it turns off automatically after half an hour which makes it easy for me to leave it on even when I'm away", the younger of the two men explained.

„You shouldn't be up yet. You don't have to work today, you should get to sleep in", Hotch said and when he saw Reid's puzzled look, he added, „You have the rest of the week off" He could sense that Spencer wanted to say something but didn't, so Hotch got up and put on the clothes he had discarded the night before. „I have to hurry up, because I still need to get home and changed before going to work", he apologized before blowing him a kiss, „I'll call you from the office"

He arrived at the bullpen later than usual but luckily Morgan and Prentiss were not there yet either as they would have been the ones enquiring about his delay. Hotch started doing paperwork in his office but after a few hours, he decided to go to JJ's office to make sure they would not have to fly to a case anytime soon. He decided that at least for the next two weeks they would stay in Quantico and give long-distance profiles to the police departments who needed them.

Just as he wanted to go grab something to eat, a man in suit came asking for him. He gave him an envelope and when he had to sign that he had received the documents, Aaron knew he had been served. Prentiss and Morgan had witnessed everything and asked what it was. „Haley's filing for divorce", Hotch replied scarcely and stepped into the elevator.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Reid stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, but almost immediately started perspiring again. It did not take him long to figure out that that was a sign of detoxication and drug withdrawal but he didn't want to believe he had already developed an addiction. He did not remember how often Hankel had injected him the dilaudid nor the exact amount of dosages of pain killers the nurses in the hospital had given him. The craving for the drug had been a first symptom of dependence but he knew it had been mostly psychological as he wanted to forget about his problems and escape.

The events of the night before still seemed surreal and Reid could still not fully believe the things Hotch had said. But for what appeared like the first time in his life he felt content, and if it weren't for the physical discomfort he was in, he would have been the happiest person on the planet.

He pulled the two small bottles of dilaudid he had stolen from Tobias out of his messenger bag and examined them. He did not need the drugs any longer, he had Hotch now. At that thought he felt repulsive. It was weak, not being able to deal with loneliness and presumed unrequited love without wanting to get help from some substance. Yet he had only had felt the wish to do so, he had never injected the drugs himself. The two bottles were still unused. But if Hotch had not shown up that night, Reid was sure they wouldn't be.

He wanted to throw them away, spill the liquid down the toilet. But what if Hotch found the empty vials? What if Hotch ever found out about the drugs? He would be disgusted, just like Reid was. He would come to his senses, see how low Reid really was, and leave him. On the other hand, if he kept this a secret, if he lied to Hotch, he would endanger their relationship even more.

Spencer ran around in his apartment, trying to find a solution for his dilemma. This caused him to sweat even more and after another shower, he finally decided to keep Hotch at distance as long as he was experiencing the withdrawal. He had given him the rest of the week off, so Reid could take the opportunity to stay home alone and go through cold turkey.

Aaron had not called all day and partly Spencer was relieved as he did not have to lie about being fine. Furthermore he had never been in a relationship and did not really know what Hotch expected from him. The other part of him though interpreted a lot into the lack of acknowledgement and this fed his insecurities. By the end of the day Reid was convinced that Hotch regretted what had happened.

Finally, Reid had already gotten himself ready for bed, his phone rang. „Hello Spencer", Hotch greeted, „I am so sorry I didn't call you earlier but I had to make some arrangements and the rest of the day I was busy doing paperwork. Who'd thought that could be stressful?" Hotch tried to joke but quickly stopped when Reid showed no reaction. „Spencer? Is everything okay?"

Reid hesitated for a moment before asking: „Was that really the only reason?"

„I have to admit there was something else troubling me but... I'd rather not discuss that over the phone...", Hotch replied.

Spencer interrupted him. „Actually I prefer being broken up with over the phone. Not that I have any experience but I don't want..."

„You think I want to break up with you?", Aaron's voice could have not sounded more surprised.

„No, you're right, that's absurd considering we were never really together..." Reid suddenly felt really stupid.

„We are, at least that's what I like to think. Spencer, what's the matter?" When there was no answer, he added, „Should I come over to your place again?"

„No!", Reid exclaimed, but quickly corrected himself, „I mean I'm quite tired and frankly, I'm not used to not sleeping alone. I really enjoyed last night but I guess I need a bit more time"

It wasn't a complete lie even though Spencer would have wanted Hotch to come over. But he had to get through his makeshift rehab first and he could not face Hotch under these circumstances. He had to get through this alone, he did not want to burden anybody with his problems let alone the man he loved.

„Okay", Aaron said and then there was a long awkward pause which ate away at Spencer.

Hotch eventually continued, „I am sorry if I moved too fast, if I overcharged you. I didn't mean to. I would have allowed myself more time with confessing my love, I would have approached the topic subtly and... but if Georgia showed us anything, then that there is not always time"

„No, you are right. I am glad you told me and you know I feel the same way but I still need to get accustomed to that whole situation...", Spencer replied.

„Sure. Take all the time you need. Call me when you're... ready", Hotch said and wished him a good night.

Reid laid down in his bed, but as tired as he was he could not sleep. The pillow and the blanket still smelt like Hotch. The wish to have the other man here with him grew even stronger. Finally when he could not take it any longer, he stood up and walked into the living room. But the couch there also reminded him of Hotch, even more than the bed as the two agents had nearly slept with each other on it, the first night Aaron had come to his place. As Reid thought back to that night, the whole thing suddenly made sense to him and he loved Hotch even more. He would have not been Hotch if he had taken advantage of his subordinate, he was not the man who had random one-night stands and Reid should have known that from the beginning.

It amazed him that life had always treated him cruel but now he had received the ultimate redemption. To be loved by the man of his dreams, the best man Reid had ever known, the man who meant so much to him, he could not even begin to put into words, was worth anything he had gone through in his life.

Spencer awoke on his couch because he felt horribly sick. He ran to the bathroom and made himself ready to vomit, but he couldn't. He sat there for long, agonizing minutes but nothing made the nausea go away. He drank a glass of water but that only seemed to make it worse. Finally he tried to make himself sick but that did not work either. Reid lay down on the bathroom floor, wishing for the queasiness to go away. When it finally subsided a little, he went back into the bedroom and got into bed. But he soon regretted the movement when the nausea did not only come back but he also started to have cramps.

He was whimpering in pain and could not do anything about it, which made it unbearable. Reid tried to distract himself from the anguish by thinking about positive things, by thinking about Hotch. He had to be strong for him. But as he pondered over Aaron and how his presence had saved him from injecting more drugs, he wondered if maybe he was not addicted yet. The pain he was now experiencing could be there simply because he was detoxing. He had craved the drug only to flee from the negativity of his life. But Aaron had turned his whole world upside down, he had brought hope and love and now there was nothing to flee from, but only to flee to.

Before he knew it, he had grabbed his phone from the nightstand and dialed Hotch's number. Just as the older man picked up, another cramp hit Reid and he had to move his head away from the speaker as not to let him hear the hissing sound he was making. When he had recollected himself, he held the phone against his face again and uttered, „Aaron, I need you, I need..."

Only in the last moment, it occured to him that Hotch was not only his boyfriend, but his boss as well, and he stopped talking. „What is it, Spencer? What do you need?", the other man asked hurriedly.

„I just needed to hear your voice", Reid replied, once again hiding the truth behind another truth. „I am so sorry for waking you up"

„No problem, but tell me, what's wrong?" Hotch sounded sincerely worried.

„Nothing... it's nothing", Reid said and tried to sound as normal as possible given the circumstances, „Just go back to sleep and I'll talk to you tomorrow"

Spencer hung up the phone and bit his pillow as the pain increased. He felt as if he deserved it for calling Hotch. Not only had he disrupted his sleep and made him anxious, but he had almost risked both their carriers. If Hotch found out about his almost drug use, he had to report him, which would lead to Reid being fired. If Hotch didn't report him, which was a not unrealistic option considering their relationship, he would be fired himself.

How could have Reid missed that? How could he have been so stupid?

He lay in bed, enduring his distress and mentally cursing himself. He was surprised when the cramps stopped, but before he could wonder too much about it, another wave of nausea swashed upon him, this time more intense as the ones before.

Just in time he ran into the bathroom, but as he did, he did not hear the knock on his door.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Hotch had driven over to Reid's as fast as he could, glad that at this time there were practically no other cars on the road. He knocked on Reid's door a few times, when there was no answer he contemplated drawing his gun. He decided against it but was determined to get into Reid's apartment. He did not want to ruin the door if not absolutely necessary, so he tried to open it with his credit card and to Hotch's astonishment, it worked.

As he entered, he heard a toilet being flushed, which calmed his nerves a little.

„You really need to improve the security in your apartment. See how easy it was for me to get in?", Hotch called out, making his way towards the bathroom, looking for Reid.

Instead of a response he heard a door slam shut and then being locked.

„Go away", Reid called from behind the bathroom door.

„What? Why?" Hotch was aware that he had come uninvited but Reid was behaving truly unlike himself.

„It's gross", Spencer cried out.

„What is?", Aaron asked completely perplexed.

„I am", he replied.

„You're not. Please open the door" Hotch was getting tired of talking to Reid through the bathroom door so he knocked on it repeatedly, „Why aren't you opening?"

Reid whimpered and after a short pause, he uttered, „You could lose your job"  
„If you open the door?" Hotch frowned both at the noises and the statement.

„Yes" came the response.

Hotch was exhausted. „I could lose my job for practically everything we did last night and the night of Morgan's party"

„What?", Reid's voice now sounded completely different.

„Well, I am your boss and falling in love with a subordinate is definitely not legitimate. But I told you, you are worth it"

„No, Hotch, I don't want you to lose your job", Reid now sounded sincerely panicked.

„Relax, Spencer, if we keep it low-key, nothing will happen"

There was a long pause until Reid asked for the time.

„It's almost half past five", the older man answered.

„You should go to work", Spencer called out.

„Right", Hotch replied and moved away from the door.

He went back to the living room to make a phone call. When he went back, he heard Spencer brush his teeth. He stayed quiet and waited until Reid finished and opened the door. When he saw Hotch his eyes widened, „I thought you were gone", he muttered. Aaron was shocked at the sight of Spencer but he tried to hide it. The young man looked like a walking corpse, the purple circles around his eyes darker than ever, his entire body soaked with sweat.

Hotch drew a deep breath. „No, I just called Gideon to tell him I would take a few days off. The team can do the paperwork without me"

„Why? What did you tell him?", Reid queried tremulously.

„I told him I needed to resolve some personal issues, but don't worry the team will think it's because of the divorce. They were all present when I was served"

„Divorce?", Spencer asked and Hotch could tell that the things he told him the night before still hadn't sunk in yet.

„Yes, Spencer, I'm all yours now. Although I already was before I signed those papers", Hotch said and reached out to pull Reid into his arms. But the younger man crouched and fled a few inches away from Hotch. When he looked at him, he could see Reid's lips quiver and heard his teeth chatter. He wanted to ask his boyfriend what was wrong but before he could even open his mouth, Reid already spoke.

„You won't be... you wouldn't want to be if you knew", he swallowed, „But I have to tell you. You are giving up so much and you deserve the truth"

„What are you talking about?", Hotch asked.  
„Hankel injected me with drugs", Spencer said quietly.

„Yeah, dilaudid, I know"

Reid nodded but then shook his head. „I didn't want it. I told him I didn't want it but he did it anyway and then... I enjoyed it"

„Spencer, that's the reason there are drugs like that. It's not your fault. I mean, you know all about the neurotransmitter stuff. You know how they work, you know there is nothing you have to feel bad about", Hotch reasoned.

„There is. I was not only enjoying it, I was also looking forward to it. It made the pain go away and I drifted to an alternate universe where you loved me", Reid spoke again but his voice became lower with every word.

„What?"

„I didn't know you really liked me but when... ow!", Spencer stopped talking and cramped. He held his stomach and clenched his teeth.

Hotch rushed over to him and laid a hand on his back. „What is it? Can I do something?"

„That's the... drugs leaving my body, I guess", Spencer hissed.

„But they detoxed you in the hospital", Aaron remembered.

Slowly Reid unbent. „They did?"  
„Yes, they did some sort of procedure where..."

„Rapid detox", Reid blurted, „I know. I was wondering if they would do it"

„But then... What's this then?", Hotch was uncertain. He did not know too much about opiates.

„I'm not sure, I'm not a medical doctor and when they told me in the hospital I wasn't really listening, I was thinking about you...", he gave a little caugh, „Anyway I believe it's either delayed symptoms of the procedure, decontamination of the drugs they gave me in the hospital or it's psychosomatic"

„I knew it. Those damn nurses, I should sue that hospital", Hotch clenched his fist.

Reid touched his arm. „It's not their fault. They couldn't know how prone I am to addiction"

„What do you mean?", Aaron unclenched his hand and frowned.

Spencer's gaze dropped to his feet. „Look at me. Caffeine, sugar, you..." He blushed.

„Me?"

„Well yeah. I am... addicted to you. I think about you all the time, I can't imagine an existence without you. When you are around I feel so much better than I even thought I could feel. When you're not I am literally yearning for you to be. That is an addiction"

„So you crave me the way you crave..."  
„No! I am not craving dilaudid. I was, but then you came and saved me and I - I am not anymore. You have to believe me. I took the vials from Hankel but I did not use them. Here, you can have them, I don't need them, I need you. I am sorry if that's not normal"

„It is normal. That's love, Spencer", Hotch slapped the small bottles out of Reid's hands and took them to guide the young man to his bed. When he sat down, Hotch ran his fingers through Reid's hair. „What can I do? I want to help you, I want to ease your pain"

Spencer smiled, „You being here helps a lot", he paused, „So you're not mad?"

„No, I'm not mad. But I really wish you would have told me. I spent the whole evening trying to find out what I did wrong", Hotch let go of Spencer's hair only to ruffle his own.

„You didn't do anything wrong. I did. I'm so sorry. But we... we should be dating, showing each other our positive sides and here I am throwing all my weaknesses in your face", Spencer said in a wavering voice.

„I thought that was the positive side of being in a relationship with a co-worker. We don't need to do all that because we know each other already. I know you and I love you not only despite but also because of your weaknesses. I don't just love parts of you, I love the whole Spencer Reid", Hotch declared and he could see tears accumulating in Spencer's eyes.

Reid closed them. „I want to say the same thing but you're... immaculate", he whispered and laid down on his bed. „Hold me", he went on, „Please hold me"

Hotch took off his shoes and jacket, joined his boyfriend on the bed and obliged him. Spencer had soon fallen asleep and Aaron allowed himself to doze off for a few hours as well. He woke up a few times because Spencer was tensing up and cramping in his sleep, however overall he seemed better. He awoke from a nightmare once but Aaron soothed him and just before he slumbered again, he murmured, „Did you know that a reactant of hydromorphone is phenylalaline?"

Aaron knew that if it weren't Spencer, this might have been a matter of concern and he was certain that if anybody else had heard Reid rambling drowsily about the chemistry of dilaudid, he would have been alarmed as well. But he knew Reid, he knew that he was one of a kind and he knew that this was a sign of him getting better, finding back to his old self.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

When Reid awoke the next day, he already felt a lot better. Before he could start panicking why Hotch was not in bed next to him he heard rummaging in the kitchen. He tiptoed in the direction of the sounds and when he saw an exasperated Hotch searching his kitchen drawers, he smiled and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

He came back out just in time to see Hotch place two bowls on the table along with a box of cereal.

„Morning", Spencer said and this time Hotch noticed him.

„Oh, good morning. How are you?", the older man asked, „I wanted to cook you breakfast but I didn't find anything but these", he nodded towards the cereal box.

Spencer grinned, „I am sorry, I usually don't eat much at home"

„I noticed you were out of milk. Should I run to the grocery store to get some? Or should I... I mean, how are you feeling?", Hotch seemed a little unsure and Reid was honoured to get to see this side of his boss.

He smiled and said, „I'm good, actually. I'll certainly survive ten minutes without you", he paused, „Although would you mind getting lactose free or soy milk? I'm fine now but I wouldn't want to challenge my luck"

Reid looked at Hotch shyly and when he saw the affection in the other man's eyes he almost forgot to breathe.

The gentleness with which Aaron spoke his next words took his breath away completely. „Anything for you", he said and Reid had to sit down.

He had never experienced so much love before and it overwhelmed him.

Hotch went into the bedroom and returned with his shoes and suit on but before he could make his way towards the door, Spencer had pulled the man in his direction, reached up and tugged until his upper body was bent toward him and kissed him.

When Reid let go of him, Hotch smiled and said, „I'll be right back"

He was and he had bought more than milk. Hotch decided that Spencer needed more nutrients in his diet and while he was eating his cereal, the older man prepared scrambled eggs for him as well. To Reid's astonishment, he could eat them as well without his stomach protesting. He hadn't eaten this much in a long time and while it was an unaccustomed sentiment to feel this full, it wasn't unpleasant at all.

Only at lunch, when Hotch made grilled cheese sandwiches for the both of them, Reid felt a bit nauseous again. But it was not as strong as the day before and Spencer laying down on his bed again helped very much. When Aaron joined him and rubbed soothing circles on his belly everything was fine again. Spencer didn't say anything for a while as he didn't wanted this moment to end but after a while he thanked Aaron.

The next day, Aaron woke Spencer up to tell him he would be gone for a few hours because Haley had called and wanted to come over to Hotch's house to discuss the divorce. Spencer was grateful to be woken up because he had had an unpleasant dream again and he appreciated Hotch telling him in person instead of leaving a note.

He went back to sleep again and when he woke up, he found a stack of pancakes in the kitchen. The thought of Hotch cooking for him warmed his heart once more and after placing them into the microwave he ate them, thinking about his boyfriend with every bite.

Reid read one of his favorite books and then turned on the TV but found nothing interesting. He knew it was clingy of him but he already missed Aaron and he was more than happy when he heard the doorbell ring. He was a bit surprised when he saw the man of his dreams dragging two large suitcases with him, then an idea hit him which he quickly pushed to the back of his mind to greet his lover with a kiss.

When they had moved the suitcases into Reid's apartment and closed the door, Hotch started, „Haley and Jack get the house, I obviously don't need that much space. This is my stuff and I wanted to ask if I could keep it here for a couple of days before I find something new to stay at"

Reid nodded and Hotch was relieved but he noticed there was something else on the younger man's mind.

„What is it?", Aaron asked and when Spencer just stared at the floor, he sighed.

Reid braced himself and started, „I like, um, I-I like you staying, uh, sleeping here and I..."

„I'm already getting on your nerves?", Hotch asked earnestly but Reid looked at him deeply shocked and almost reproachfully.

„No! How could you think that? Quite the opposite actually", he said, „I wanted to ask you if you... I don't know how to say this. But seeing as you're homeless at the moment and I enjoy and also feel like I need your company..."

„You want me to move in with you?", Hotch asked somewhat perplexed.

„Yeah, unless I am getting on your nerves", Reid asked and stared at the floor self-conciously.

„No, you're not but that's not really possible. I mean everyone would know about us once we have the same address", Hotch reasoned and he when he saw Spencer's reaction he could tell the younger man had not even considered this possibility at all.

„Oh yeah, you're right", he muttered and apologized. „It also would have been too early, wouldn't it?", Spencer inquired and Hotch simply nodded instead of holding a lecture on how there was no right or wrong for this and how Spencer should just find a pace he was comfortable with.

Later that day, Aaron asked if Spencer was okay with him going to work again the following day and only then the younger man realized that it was Sunday already. He was fine and therefore he told Aaron that both of them should return to work the next day. Surprisingly Hotch let himself be convinced and did not insist on Reid staying home any longer. Spencer smiled and took Hotch's hand, pulling him to the door.

„Come on, let's take a walk", he said.

„But it looks like it could start to rain", Hotch replied.

Reid told him that this was the type of weather he prefered and soon the two of them were strolling around Reid's neighborhood hand in hand. When Hotch suddenly stopped, Spencer frowned.

Aaron was eyeing a rather newly built apartment complex which had a „apartments for sale" sign in front of it. Involuntarily Reid's heart rate started to speed up and when Hotch looked at him, he nodded. Hotch took out his cell phone and called the number printed on the sign. He left a message saying he was interested in renting one of the apartments and when he hung up he pulled Spencer into his arms and kissed him.

„This", he said after breaking the kiss, „this is perfect. It's near you but it has a different address"

„Uh-huh. But just so you know, you can always sleep over", Reid replied before kissing Hotch again.

They were so engulfed in each other, it took them quite sometime to realize that it had started to rain.

„I told you", Hotch said and started to run towards Reid's apartment complex.

„So what? You're sweet but you aren't made of sugar", Spencer shouted and Hotch stopped.

When Reid had caught up with him, they kissed again and Hotch took the younger man's hand and started to speed up again. Reid had no choice but to start running as well.

Still, by the time they were back in Reid's apartment, they were both soaking wet.

„I get to shower first", Hotch exclaimed, „After all it was your fault I got..."

Reid interrupted him, „Whatever. It's my shower. I get to go in first"

Aaron chuckled, came up behind Spencer and whispered in his ear, „Why don't we shower together?"

It sent a chill down Reid's spine and he nodded.

Hotch went on, „I mean it saves time and money and water..."

Spencer turned around, „I already said yes"

Aaron frownded slightly but his smile did not fade. „Really?"

Reid nodded again. „Really", he said.

Spencer was a bit nervous when he stepped into the shower and Aaron followed. He was afraid to look at his naked boss, so he turned away from him at first. But then Hotch started to scrub his back, massaging his shoulders and Reid's anxiety faded, leaving only the pleasant feelings behind. When Aaron poured shampoo into his hands and started to wash Spencer's hair, he moaned and leaned back against him. He felt something half-hard brush against his tigh and it was enough to make himself harden. Spencer turned around and wrapped his arms around Hotch. He kissed him desperately and ran his arms along the wet body in front of him. Reid hesitated but then moved one of his hands towards Hotch's private zone. The older man pulled back, took Reid's hand and looked him in the eyes.

„Are you sure?", he asked.

Reid rasped, „Yes. Yes, I'm ready"

He rinsed his hair until there was no more shampoo in it and stepped out of the shower to dry himself off. Hotch turned off the water and followed suit.

Spencer went back into the bedroom, lay down on his bed and waited for Hotch. He felt nervousness starting to build up inside him again but his excitement too rose with every passing moment. He was more than ready to sleep with Hotch. He loved him, he trusted him, there was no reason to wait.

Aaron entered the bedroom and for the very first time Spencer allowed himself to take in the sight of him, to stare and gaze in amazement at what the stoic supervisory special agent hid under his suits. Slowly he joined him on the bed and touched Spencer carefully. Reid could sense that he was flustered as well and to his astonishment he realized that that made himself more confident. Spencer reached out and touched Hotch's cheek. He let his hand slowly move along his jaw, then down his neck, across his collarbone and finally halted on Hotch's chest.

„I want you", he whispered.

„I want you too", Hotch said in a low voice as well, „But I'm not sure how this works"

Reid smiled. „It can't be all that different... I'm sure it's similar to, uh, doing it with a woman"

Hotch pressed his lips together then asked, „I think we need... Um, have you got something to..." When Reid didn't seem to understand he breathed the word „lubrication" and closed his eyes.

Spencer's smile turned into a grin and it was almost difficult for him to pucker his lips enough to give his boyfriend a peck. He found it astonishing to see a man like Aaron Hotchner timid and embarrassed. Aaron opened his eyes again and Spencer removed a tube from his nightstand drawer.

„It's not exactly lube. It's a body lotion but it will do", he explained.

Hotch did not seem convinced. „We could wait just one more day. Tomorrow after work we could stop by at a..."

Spencer cut in, „I am not going to a sex shop with you. You can do that on your own. I don't want to wait another day. See body lotion is made for entering the body. Usually it get's absorbed by the skin but for this to happen safely it has to have a certain pH level already so there is not that big of a difference if it...", he stopped his rambling but continued to speak. „I am sorry, Aaron. If you want to wait until tomorrow, that's fine. It's just I love you and I'd like to feel you... oh God, I'm sorry if I pressured you..."

„You didn't. I want to feel you too. In fact I've never wanted sex with anyone this bad before. It's just, like I said I don't really know how to do this. But if you say this body lotion will do, then I believe you", he said and reached for the tube.

Spencer inhaled deeply. „I don't know how to do this either but I want to find out. I want to find out with you. For the first time I don't want to read about it, do theoretical research but I want the real life experience. I want to learn this by doing it..."

Hotch stopped his rant by capturing Spencer's lips with his.

Slowly Spencer moved onto his side and stretched his butt towards Hotch. „Make love to me", he whispered and heard the tube being opened. Soon thereafter the scent of vanilla filled the room and he smiled.

He would have never considered it possible but the talking and Hotch's nervousness had calmed him down completely. He was so relaxed, he barely tensed when he felt Aaron's now slick member press against his entrance. Spencer wiggled his ass and Hotch slid inside. When he was all the way in, he stopped and asked: „Are you okay?"

Reid let out the breath he had been holding and nodded. „Yeah, wait a second, I-I'm okay"

It hurt but in a different way than he had expected. It was definitely not as painful as he had imagined but it still burned.

„How do you feel?", Aaron aked.

Spencer had to ponder before he could point his emotions. „I feel complete", he replied finally.

Hotch waited for Reid to tell him or give him a sign, when it was okay to start moving and as the younger man reached back and grabbed his thigh, he slowly pulled halfway out and pushed in again. Spencer moaned and Hotch continued this movements at a slow and gentle pace. At some point he reached out with one hand to get a hold of Spencer's hip and by doing so he changed the angle of penetration slightly. Reid cried out and it was so loud, Hotch almost misinterpreted it at first. But when he hit that spot again and the younger man moaned clamorously, he knew his subordinate was making noises of pleasure.

The stinging feeling was now gone and all Reid felt was delight. He believed they were melting into one organism and that Hotch was a part of him now. But he soon lost his ability to form any coherent thought. Spencer was not used to sensations like this and when Hotch's hand moved from his hip to his erection and started to stroke it, he came.

The contractions of the muscles stretched around Hotch led him to his own climax soon after and he clutched the younger man against him during his orgasm.

When he had recovered he let go of him and pulled out of him slowly. Spencer whimpered slightly but let himself fall onto his back and gazed up at Aaron.

„Amazing", was all he could manage to say. Before he passed out, he heard Hotch mutter something about the vanilla scent of the body lotion but Reid was too exhausted to explain his passion for vanilla to him. He made a mental note to talk to Aaron about vanilla the next day and how he associated it with him. He also planned on telling him how he thought of himself as coffee and that the vanilla coffee in the hospital was of great significance to him.

That night Spencer slept throught the night and did not have a single bad dream for what felt like the first time in his life.

THE END


End file.
